i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
