if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize