He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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