I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
