Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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