I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize