I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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