Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
