true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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