Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
