The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize