Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
