Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
