I think my vagina is haunted
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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