omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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