i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
