You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
