well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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