note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
