if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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