There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
