Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
