don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
