I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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