Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
