I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
