we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize