Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
