lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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