she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize