I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
