Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
