just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
