this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
