She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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