Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
