my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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