just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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