Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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