If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
