What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
