i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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