I'm going to jail i love you
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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