In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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