The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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