I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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