WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
