Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
