I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize