She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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