coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
