Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
