Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
