These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
