I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
