I met the friendliest cop last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
