I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
