if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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