remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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