NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
As shirtless as possible
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize