sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
