I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
