guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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