captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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